Erk

erkerk:

As most of you should know, wild turkeys are only found in North America (which is why Benjamin Franklin wanted our country bird to be the turkey, not the bald eagle). Also something you should know is that turkey is the main dish served at Thanksgiving.

Now what some of you may not know is that our turkeys are bred so they have bigger breasts. Sounds awesome, right? Bigger breasts means more meat when we eat them. But their breasts are SO BIG that they are unable to reproduce naturally.

Imagine trying to have sex with a girl who has boobs longer than your dick. That’s what it’s like for them.

So then how do we get more turkeys if they can’t reproduce? Simple. We artificially inseminate them. All of our domesticated turkeys are artificially inseminated one by one, using the genes necessary to produce an offspring with massive breasts for us to eat.

Kind of gives “turkey baster” a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?

And that’s what i learned in school today.

Bringing this back for turkey day. Gobble gobble, motherfuckers!

7-thirteen:

How would anyone realize that? AND NOW EVERYONE KNOWS!!

I called a few of the lawyers today so i could get a couple opinions on my situation and possible outcomes and what could happen. They all sounded like they were trying to sell me a car, but only one actually convinced me enough to come to him for a face-to-face consultation. 

When i met with him, he sounded very confident and said he knew the judges and prosecutors at the court house where i’m supposed to, so that comforted me a little. He gave me the many outcomes that could happen and what he’ll do to help reduce my penalties if not get my case thrown which is the best case scenario. Even in the worst case scenario, the chances of jail time are slim so that’s pretty awesome. 

My dad was with me to meet him ‘cause he’s going to be the one to pay for it ($1,750), but i’m obviously going to pay him back if and when i get a job. I’m applying to every place right now, doesn’t even matter what it is, just so i can pay for the fees and cost of this case. We haven’t said “yes” to his lawyer yet, but my parents are going to discuss it tonight so we can give him an answer tomorrow. 

But i’m feeling pretty good about this.

If you follow my boyfriend’s blog you may already know that i was arrested yesterday. The reason is (as explained by the title) that i was driving while under the influence (of alcohol). It was Friday night and my classmates and i were celebrating having finished our last day of class. At around 1 in the morning, i decided it was a good idea to visit my boyfriend so i headed towards there. 

For some reason (idk why), i was pulled over by the cops and asked to perform their drunk tests like walking in a straight line, following a light with my eyes, etc. I thought i aced those tests ‘cause it wasn’t very hard to do, but i guess they thought otherwise and arrested me. 

Dude, cops are kind of really rude. Like, i understand being a douche if the prisoner is being a douche, but they were all such dicks to everyone no matter how they acted. It’s almost like they’re provoking people to get a rise out of them so they can punish ‘em for it. I tried to keep calm, but there were a couple times where i was really annoyed by their treatment of me so i made some snarky comments and glared at them a lot. 

They confiscated my belongings including my belt and shoe laces (so i don’t strangle anyone?) and i was able to get 3 phone numbers from my cell before they took that too. I was allowed to make a phone call so i tried calling my boyfriend, my friend from the party (who was worried ‘cause i left without saying anything to anyone), and my brother. I called everyone multiple times, but it was 3 or 4 in the morning so nobody answered. 

Anyway, i spent most of my time in a cell with this one other dude who was arrested for meth possession. We didn’t talk much though; i didn’t talk with anyone. There was this crazy, homeless man in the cell next to ours who decided to tell me his whole life story even though i made no inclination that i was even listening to him. I just tried to sleep most of the time. It’s really the only way to pass the time. Speaking of time, not knowing what time it was really tripped me out. I can imagine people going insane after being there for a long time.

I was there for 12 hours before they released me. And you won’t believe what the first thing i saw was upon getting out of the station. 

My boyfriend. 

He was sitting there, waiting with a bag of Burger King in his lap. I was so shocked to see him there ‘cause i couldn’t get a hold of him before. I started crying because i was so overwhelmed with emotion. I had just gotten out of jail and the person i love was waiting for me for who knows how long. It was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever done for me. Him just being there almost made me forget about the ordeal i went through. 

I spent the rest of my weekend with him and it was amazing. I don’t know when i’ll be able to see him again because my parents took away the car and are taking me off their insurance and i’m just fucked in so many ways because of this DUI. I need to find a job ASAP so i can pay for the lawyer i’m planning on hiring, but i don’t think places will hire someone with a recent DUI and no driver’s license (they took it away so i only have this temporary one for 30 days). My life is so fucked and i regret everything about that night because i screwed up my future.

Friday was my last day of class and i’m graduating. But with this on my record, what was the point of it all? I’m becoming more and more overwhelmed the more i think about it. I just don’t know what’s going to happen.

And we do. We’re so spoiled by it that we bitch whenever it goes above 80 or below 70. We’re like “ohmygah it’s sooo hot i should just kill myself” or “ohymgah it’s sooo cold my penis fell off.” Whereas there’re places in the country where it’s constantly >90 or <60. Yet we complain when there’s a slight drizzle. 

Today was my last of scrubbing at my clinical site. I wanted it to be a chill day, but instead i got to be a part of a Laparascopic Hysterectomy which hasn’t been done at the hospital before, and i worked with a doctor everyone hates except me. Despite it being a busy day, it was a great way to end my last day. 

Tomorrow is technically my last day, but we’re (my three other classmates and me) not going to be scrubbing tomorrow. Instead, we’re bringing food for all the other surgical techs and nurses and doctors and staff, as a thank you for helping us out and teaching us the ways of their hospital and for tolerating our ignorance. Thanks to them, we have all grown as surgical technologists and have learned so much. 

I’ve only been with this hospital for 6 weeks, but i wish i had been with them longer instead of wasting my time at the hospital before where i learned practically nothing. 

It’s almost a sad thought though. I’m almost graduating. My life is going to be starting soon—and that’s a scary thought. But i want to start my career so i finally start my life. It’s great living and eating for free with my parents, not to mention free internet, but i need to live my own independent life.

People get a taste of that when they dorm at a college, but i never got that lick of the independent lollipop. I’ve been with my parents for 22 years now and i’m ready to get a job, save up (probably for a year), and start my life. As terrifying as it is, it also feels like it could be liberating. 

But fuck there’s still so much i need to learn. Like, i’ve never done laundry, i don’t know how to cook, and i make my bed, like, once a week. I’m kind of spoiled as fuck.

Last night i got to watch the gorgeous Pandora Boxx with my boyfriend at his school! It wasn’t her typical sort of venue, but she still rocked it and was hilarious. 

She started off with a lip sync to some song (idk the name) but it was about having an 8 mile wide vagina (it was awesome) and she did a catwalk and made Harry Potter references and i truly laughed a couple times. 

And omg her dress was fantastic! She called it “carnival hooker” and that’s exactly what it was. Ugh she was so pretty. 

And my boyfriend even got her autograph! And our friend Lonnie (who organized the whole event) got one too AND a picture with her. 

Oh this is actually the dress she wore! It was the same one she wore on the rewind episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race recently. Yeah, i’d crawl into her 8 mile wide vagina any day.

The Catholic church was brilliant in creating Hell and saying that anyone who doesn’t believe in God will automatically be sent there. It’s honestly what stops me from becoming an Atheist ‘cause of that “what if” factor.

What if.

What if they’re right and there is a Hell? What if you’re sent there because of the bad deeds you’ve done in life so you’re meant to suffer excruciating pain for the rest of eternity? 

But i don’t want to believe in God based off of a “what if” scenario. 

I believe it’s bullshit to believe in God just on a what-do-you-have-to-lose basis. True, you don’t have anything to lose. But i still think it’s bullshit if that’s the basis of your belief. 

I don’t know what i believe. I honestly don’t. I was raised to believe in God, but i was also raised to believe in the fear of Hell, and honestly, the both go hand-in-hand.

That’s why i say the Catholic church was brilliant to create Hell because if you don’t believe in Hell, you don’t believe in God. And if you don’t believe in God, you’re going to Hell. It’s one of those beautifully constructed paradoxes. It puts that doubt—that fear—unto you. 

I’d like to believe in a Paradise we can go to after Death. That’s why religion was created: because we’d rather believe in something after Death other than nothing. 

Which is why i believe that religion is cowardice.

The fuck? Who would do such a thing? That’s animal cruelty and i won’t stand for it. I bid you good-day, old man, and your wife is a gold digger.

Well this is awkward…

So i caught the Muk that Ash caught in the anime, but i don’t wanna use it ‘cause i have a Haunter and everyone knows that Haunter > Muk. Since i’m straying away from Ash’s original pokemon, i guess i might as well let Squirtle evolve ‘cause it’s getting annoying with him trying to evolve every time he gains a level. Bulbasaur isn’t that annoying, but that’s ‘cause he has an Everstone. 

And Charmeleon still refuses to do anything i say. He’s so annoying. I want him to die.